|THE YEAR IS 2050
It's been a long
time since we've seen Lara Croft playing
on our hard drives. Once the darling of
the computer gaming world, Lara somehow
lost her sense of proportion a few
decades ago. After a 40-year absence from
the digital dungeons, she's trying to
make a comeback with her self-funded TOMB
RAIDER 2050. CGW caught up with England's
polygonally encumbered ex-cover-cutie to
find out what she'd been up to for all
So, you're trying to make a comeback.
(Yawn.) How does it feel to be back after
all these years?
feels great. (Exhaling a volcanic plume
of smoke.) I'm finally getting back to my
roots. I took great pleasure in
deflowering all those computer gaming
geeks so many years ago. Unfortunately,
when the next big thing came along, they
deserted me--I was thrown in the closet
with the baseball bats and Star Wars
cards. Yeah, I saw all those fickle
gamers going gaga over every little tramp
that bounced onto their screens, but I
wasn't worried; I knew they'd come back.
Well, get ready 'cause mommy's coming
Aren't you a little old to make a
Bugger off, you cheeky wanker! Maybe I'm
not as spry as I used to be, but I still
ooze more sex-appeal from my arse than
these new little sluts...
Now, let's be civil.
Alright, I'll be honest with you. I saw
the DEATHTRAP DUNGEON XXI disc, starring
that little tramp Red Lotus, and I
decided, 'Hey, if she can do it, so can
I. Red Lotus ain't got nothin' on me.
Rumor has it you walked in and saw her in
a splash screen with your husband, Mr.
Bollocks! I dumped that bum a long time
before he ran to Lotus. Shame really, he
was such a cutie-pie--lovely arse and
gorgeous pecs, but nothing going on
Which brings up an interesting question.
Don't you ever feel like you were
exploited by the big gaming companies?
You have to admit you haven't been cast
in a TOMB RAIDER since Eidos started
I get that a lot. But it's never been
just about big boobs and tight shorts. In
case you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly
easy. I've got the moves that gamers die
see. And what moves can you do now that
anyone would possibly want to see?
of new moves, ya pisser. Hit a special
key combo and I quickly chug my drink and
bash the bad boyz with the bottle. With
the new transparency and fog effects, I
can blow enough smoke from my fag to
confuse an army. Let that Lotus slut try
that. And wait till you see my super
thigh slam. It'll crack your head like an
egg! (Cough, wheeze.)
Well, there we are, a once great game
character reduced to a shadow of her
former greatness. How the mighty have
Listen, reporter. One more comment about
my breasts and I'll show you some of
those moves right now. Just as soon as I
remember the combo. Who changed this
blasted interface, anyway? Prima donna
designers can't leave anything alone!